I was so excited when the post van pulled up the drive today. I have been waiting on an order from Decathlon with a new pair of swim togs that I had contemplated buying for several months then decided to give them a go as a treat before Christmas. I also bought myself some running leggings, socks and running top. Everything I have has holes in them at this stage! Probably due to the fact that I have gone up 2 sizes in clothes since I first bought them years ago. Well I was digging out the garden and had to change tops afterwards as I sweat after any physical activity. Is that a middle age thing I wonder? So I said I would try on the togs since I was changing, well they barely went up my legs. My stomach instantly felt sick and I had to hold back the tears. Of course the first thought is I will have to start starving myself, then thats not very practical. I will have to make myself sick after I eat but that's not a good example for my girls. I feel at a loss. I walk/jog probably 4 to 5 times a week and I nearly swim every day. I have started a diet that I eat only between 12pm and 6pm. I eat healthy food. I lost a half a stone before Christmas but just by looking at food and alcohol I put it back on again in a matter of days. I have been on anti depressants for years. I know they are what caused me to put on the weight. I got so fed up with the weight previously I went I off the tablets. I was ok for a while, but still found it hard to loose the weight. Then I started feeling down again, my periods play havoc with my moods, and for about 3 weeks out of the month I would be miserable. For some reason the anti depressants really help with that and I wouldn't even know when my periods would be due. So I went back on them again for the sake of my head, the kids and my husband. I tried different ones this time and I haven't put on any more weight but I can't loose it. So even though the tablets have balanced out my hormones and I don't suffer terrible mood swings, I have this constant misery of being overweight and not looking good any more. I am trying so hard to be proud of my body and what it does for me every day, but its hard when you look at a photo and see these zumo thighs, you just want to cry. So a new year is coming, and I don't know how to battle it. Any suggestions would be great! The one thing I know is I will keep swimming as in the water I don't think about my body or my mind, I am just immersed in the moment, focused on the beauty and colour encloses me. I will keep jogging so I can keep my creative juices flowing as this is when I visual my future art projects. They both keep my mind healthy and not let me give in to the demons.
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